Mama

Mother’s Day has always been one of the hardest days of the year for me. I can’t help but think of what could have been instead of the actual reality of what was my childhood growing up with my adoptive mother. She wasn’t a nice person. Those of you that know me, have already heard the story told a few different times, but, suffice it to say that in my heart, the woman that adopted me was never my mother. In any sense. In fact, I can remember feeling grateful that I didn’t share any of her DNA, that’s how toxic she could be. So, today has always been somewhat difficult.

My son, through the years, has always managed to raise my spirits and we celebrate my motherhood with silliness and love. This year is the first year that I know my own biological mother and it doesn’t matter that she’s no longer here on earth, I can celebrate her in my heart and in my own way.

I know you are watching over your kids down here and for the first time, we are truly siblings. Thank you for gifting me the two most awesome souls that walk this earth. Thank you, Mama, for having such a huge heart that you were able to pass down the capacity to experience love. You fought your demons, and in the end, you might have thought they had won, but what you didn’t know was that no matter what, no one or nothing could take away your heart and your love for your children.

I have a vision of you and Ricky sitting side by side, looking down at homes in Michigan and one in California. While we couldn’t be together physically, the three of us are bonded in a manner that supersedes the time-space continuum. We are finally together in spirit and that can never be taken away, by demons or by angels. I know if you are looking down today, you are seeing an abundance of love and laughter in this family you created. I’m sorry I never got to look into your eyes or feel your loving arms wrapped tightly around me, but if I close my eyes, I can feel you. I can feel your love. That’s all that ever really matters.

And, for that, I’m grateful. So very grateful.

Happy Mother’s Day, Mama!

Sierra

According to the dictionary, intuition is a thing that one knows or considers likely from instinctive feeling rather than conscious reasoning. Most of us accept that we all have some level of intuition, and those that listen to that intuitive voice without hesitation start to become aware of how much more there is of the universe and more specifically, how little we know.

Then there are moments when intuition is literally screaming in a booming, screeching, imploring way that makes it impossible to ignore. In a cartoon script, these types of moments are characterized by fireworks or light bulbs that suddenly turn on to illuminate the powerful moment. In real life, it feels like an invisible gut punch. Adrenaline courses quickly through your veins, your breathing becomes more rapid, and in fact, your pupils even become more dilated. Within a millisecond, your reasoning mind/self identifies the extraordinary moment as either good, bad, or harmless.

I had a moment like that on August 15, 2022, when I received a notification from Ancestry that stated “You have a message from Sierra Simons.” That gut punch happened immediately, the adrenaline flooded my veins, and my intuition belted out in the loudest, clearest voice ever, that this was it. This was that moment. The moment I had waited all my life for, even without knowing I was waiting for anything. I knew I had found my Mama’s family. I felt it. The only explanation is out of my comprehension, something metaphysical, mystical, spiritual, and profound. Every fiber of my being, every bit of my soul knew I had found my people. I could feel the completion of an invisible circle, and I felt peace. Then, I felt excitement. Jump to your feet kind of excitement. This was it. This was when I finally had both sides of the puzzle that had at times felt too daunting to contemplate.

I never remember being told I was adopted. It just seemed like I always knew. When I started asking questions about who my biological parents were, my adoptive mom told me several things about the circumstances of my birth. Some of the things that she said just didn’t make sense, like, my birth mother got pregnant at a New Year’s Eve party, but, I wasn’t born until the first week of November. Since there were so many obvious misstatements in what she told me, I really didn’t think any of it was true, just another made-up part of my adoptive mother’s delusions. One thing that she said was that my mother’s last name was Simons. That was one of the few things she told me that was actually true, but I had no idea of the validity of that fact until my niece, Sierra reached out to me through Ancestry. I knew when I saw the name that at least one of the things I had been told while growing up was true.

Sierra and I exchanged emails. We were not completely sure how we were related, but, it didn’t take us long to figure it out. I sent her a picture of me taken when I was a young woman. She sent me pictures too. The excitement was so overwhelming that it took me a little bit to understand who was who and how we were related. Then came the message from Sierra after looking at a picture I sent, “You look just like my Grandma Carolyn”. I have waited 60 years to read those words. I knew who gave birth to me, and I look a lot like her. I don’t have the words to describe what that feels like. I still cry when I realize that I now know who she was after all those years of wondering and yearning. I keep pictures of her on my phone and look at them every day.

To be expected, I was flabbergasted to the point of misfiring neurons in my brain while my heart was exploding with the love I could feel from Sierra through messaging. It wasn’t just her words, it was her unpretentious, unapologetic love for me. Instantly. That’s what kind of family I finally had. Family I would have picked, because they are the ones that are so connected as to be more than family. They are forever family. And, I was feeling this before I ever met them, because of my amazing niece. And, this was just the start of something that feels like I’m walking on sunshine and don’t it feel good?

More pictures were sent back and forth and while Sierra was emailing me, she was furiously messaging her dad, Rusty. She sent me pictures of my sister, Ronda, and her family. With each new picture or piece of information, I could almost feel my soul resting in a way I never knew was possible. I had found my soulmates at last. I know that sounds like a weird way to describe the discovery of my birth mother’s family, but, this is different than most situations. When I finally got to speak to my sister, Ronda, for the first time, she told me that unconsciously, she always knew I was out in the universe. And, somehow, I always knew she was out there as well. There’s an invisible thread of energy that connects the two of us forever. Forever.

You know, once the first conversations were had, and after a barrage of emails and messaging, there was nothing left to be done but to go meet my loved ones for the first time. For the first time in my life, I would have family surrounding me, and believe me, it was a magical balm to every tear I had ever cried or hurt my heart had ever felt. Sierra and I planned the trip and tried to make it a secret; something just between us. As it turned out, the only one I was able to halfway surprise was my sister, Ronda. Only halfway because she knew in her soul that our long-awaited introduction was imminent. She said she could feel it. So strongly, that she brought stuff with her to give to me, just in case, I happened to be there. Haha. That makes me laugh, but, also makes me know how strongly this kinetic bond seems to be between all of us.

I flew into Detroit and was nervous about our first time meeting. Where would we meet? Would they recognize me? Would they think I was weird? Self-doubt is always in my mind, but, walking the concourse of the airport, all the what-ifs were foremost in my thoughts. My nieces, Sierra and Sheila were meeting me by baggage claim and I took a deep breath as I rounded the last corner. What I instantly heard clearly was: “Welcome to the family, Aunt Summer!” As most of you know I’m a short girl, so it took me another few seconds to see my two beautiful nieces standing with a sign that read the same thing they had just shouted. And then it was just like we had known one another forever. It felt like I could almost remember when they were born, and what they were like growing up. In that very first hug, those two young women forever became, “my girls”. In my heart, they are the daughters I never had. And, the strangest thing, is that all of those emotions flashed through my head, heart, and soul in the instant I received my first hugs from them. How is that even possible?

The two-hour drive to my brother’s house was filled with non-stop talking, laughter, and love. I was as comfortable as I’d been with anyone, and again, I knew in my gut, they were my clan. The drive was over in what seemed like minutes and then we were at Rusty and Debbie’s house waiting for them to bring my sister, Ronda, and her husband Ed, back from dinner in town. I’ll never forget standing in their living room, waiting to surprise Ronda for her birthday. When the actual moment came, it was as if time froze for just a second or two. When we hugged for the first time, it was like a homecoming for my soul. In that instant, my sister and I were finally given the gift of each other. We have needed each other, yearned for each other, and imagined each other, but to be in the arms of my little sister was a feeling that is only rivaled by the birth of my son.

But, there was more. I turned to see my brother, Rusty for the first time in our lives, and a lightning bolt connection tells me that I’m looking at myself in a masculine form. Not just in looks, but, in our matching auras, our identically colored eyes.

I’m going to be honest here: I don’t remember a lot about that first night of meeting my family. When I look back, all I can really remember is feeling like I was in a tunnel of bright, beautiful clouds and they enveloped me. They literally healed the wounds of that unwanted little girl. In one night. Hell, it was probably in the first second. I will never feel alone again. I’m whole. Truly whole. I have a family and they are a family I would have chosen. I have a beautiful, gracious, and intuitive sister-in-law, Debbie who is the matriarch and nurturer of all of us. (I’m including myself now, ’cause, I’m one of them! LOL)

My nieces, Sierra and Sheila are intelligent, strong women who are loving wives, and outstanding mothers. I have a gaggle of great nieces and nephews, and two husbands for my girls, who now call me Aunt Summer. And, I belong to them! I’m blessed so much more than I deserve!

I was only able to spend a few days getting to know this great big, beautiful family of mine, but since then, the relationships have simply deepened as we learn who we all are. Rusty and Debbie visited me a couple of months ago and it was precious, deep, and meaningful, but also a hell of a lot of fun and laughter. Being with my brother feels like the most natural thing in the world and it’s sometimes impossible to even remember life without my Rusty. I am 13 months older than him, but, in so many ways I feel like we are twins separated at birth. We think alike, and we believe in so many of the same things, it’s uncanny, but marvelous, if that makes sense. It’s almost watching a magic show, or something beyond extraordinary.

On April 9th of this year, Ronda’s, daughter, Amy gave birth to our beautiful Waylon Edward. I only had the chance to meet Amy briefly, but, she has sent me pictures and postcards that give me perspective into how much she reminds me of me at her age. She’s a rebel, but, a good soul. I know that about her. She is also mother to Rylee, who is my sister’s only granddaughter. That little girl is the apple of my sister’s eye and I enjoy getting to be a “surrogate” grammy to that sweet, little girl.

Throughout this wonderful journey to meet my family, I have made sure to resist the urge to feel cheated for all the years that we lost. We all realize that we probably don’t have another 60 years to get to know one another, but we feel so blessed to finally be together now.

Sierra told me that there was always a missing piece in the family, even though no one knew I existed, and that missing piece was me. I’m no longer missing.

I’m loved. I’m wanted.

I’m grateful beyond words.

How wonderful is love? It is everything.

Moments

There are moments in life that forever change who you are as a person. The birth of a child, the death of a loved one, the day you get married. Maybe the day you get divorced? We all have had those moments that are forever frozen in time. That one tiny second when life blows up around you and coalesces in a brand new way.

I’ve had four of those big moments in my life.

Giving birth to my son.

Witnessing the death of my adopted mother.

Finding my birth father’s side of my biological family.

Getting a notification that reads, “Sierra Simons has sent you a message.”

The first two on my list are stories unto themselves, and most of you already know quite a bit about them. The third moment on my list took place on March 12, 2021. The previous Christmas I bought Ancestry DNA kits for myself, my son, and my husband. Looking back, I think I thought of the kits as a novelty gift, something fun. I wanted to find out where my ancestors originated. Being adopted, I have a fascination with history and genealogies, something, I never really had. I wanted to know if my great-grandparents were from Germany or perhaps they originated in Italy. Growing up, I often wondered if I could be from another planet. I used to like to think I was Venusian or at the very least, Martian.

About two months after we all sent our saliva to the DNA lab to get tested, I was notified via email that my results were available for review. At the time, I was cooking dinner and thought the question of my ethnicity could wait until the next day. Shortly after dinner was eaten and the dishes were put away, I received another notification from Ancestry stating that “Susan B has sent you a message.” That piqued my curiosity enough that I opened my laptop and logged into my account. I had to reread the message several times before it registered that a blood relative had just contacted me. I was amazed. I was also a little scared about finding out things that had been kept from me for my entire life. It felt a little like I was about to open a Pandora’s box, and that once I did, my life would never be the same again. With only a slight hesitation, I took the leap and it was the first step in a long process of finally finding out exactly where I come from and what clan I belong to. It was the first information to be gleaned that would help me feel whole at last.

For those of you that have always had a “real” family, you have no idea what it feels like to be incomplete as a person. I have advocated for years that abortion should be legal and closed adoptions should be criminal instead of the other way around. There is nothing more cruel than having to grow up without knowing where you came from. Not knowing the woman that gave birth to me formed a gigantic empty space deep inside my soul that could never be filled. Not knowing if I had brothers or sisters, aunts and uncles, left a void in my soul that was deeper than the deepest canyon. I longed for connections that I felt should be there, but, simply, were not. Carrying around the feeling of being unwanted for my entire life because I had been given away without a second thought. There are so many deep emotions that a soul feels when put in a situation that is not natural and not healthy. Did my parents love me? And, if they did, why did they just give me away like unwanted garage sale merchandise?

As an adopted person, you don’t dwell on those questions. For the lucky ones that get adopted into decent, loving families, those questions aren’t nearly as important, but they’re still there, I’m sure. For those of us that were given the opposite of love, the questions bubbled right below the surface, felt, but unaddressed.

Until March 12, 2021. Until my cousin, Susan reached out to me. Until she told me I probably had a sister and two brothers. Until I realized that I did indeed have a “real” family. They had literally found me. The excitement I felt can’t be described. It was like every good emotion I had ever felt rolled into a cozy blanket of knowledge. I finally knew that I had a real human father and his name was David. That’s where I came from. That’s who contributed half in the creation that is me. That cavernous hole in my heart filled in on the sides and oozed comfort into the cracked wounds that came from being alone my entire life. Not only do I have a father with a name and a face and a life to find out about, but, I have a sister and two brothers. Me! The only child before that day.

Within hours, my sister, Angie, and I were communicating and realized we had a lot of pieces to put together. Unfortunately, our father passed years ago, so I will never get to know him as a person. My sister was so gracious in sharing information that you normally don’t share with a stranger, but, in the end, we are not strangers, but half-sisters. How amazing is that? I’m pretty sure Angie was shocked by the discovery of an older sibling, but, she accepted me with love and honesty about her life with “dad”. She opened her heart to me and shared what it was like growing up, including the demons that our father had carried on his shoulders for all the years the kids were little. She could have sugar-coated the stories and created a reality that I wouldn’t have ever known was false, but with humility and grace, she shared the good, bad, and ugly with a sister she didn’t even know she had before now. What kind of human does that? A human that inherited a gigantic capacity for love, grace, and forgiveness. No matter his demons, Angie told me that our father had a heart as big as anything and would have given the shirt off his back for a total stranger. Sometimes I wonder if the bigger the heart, the scarier the demons? That’s just a side thought, but one to circle back to.

Over the next several months, we would exchange emails and chat now and again. Life is busy. Angie told me that she would tell her brothers about me, but, that like so much else, their relationships were complicated. I never wanted to push in any direction that was uncomfortable for her, so I let things be, let things just settle. Not, just settle without, but to settle within. And, it was extremely good for my soul. Just to know. To know I had a dad, to know I have a sister and two brothers, to know my ancestry. Thanks to my cousin, Susan, we can trace our genealogy back to England and the sixteenth century. For someone who longed to know from whence she came, being able to trace back through that many generations seemed like something that could only happen in a book! It was incredible to see the family tree on my father’s side. It was like a mighty old oak, with branches reaching skyward and outward in an abundance of overgrowth. The little girl with no one, now can comprehend she was never truly alone. Her ancestors knew who she was and now that girl knows who she is as well.

That unwanted little girl is no more. She is wanted. She is loved. She is a sister, aunt, and cousin. What more could I have ever asked for? I had no idea that about a year and a half after finding my father’s side of the family, I would get a another message out of the blue-“Sierra Simons has sent you a message.” That’s the fourth great moment on my list and that story deserves to be told standing alone. Shining. Brilliant. Beautiful.

Thank you to those that stuck with me on this long, but meaningful (at least for me) post. The next one will be even longer, just to give you patient, dear folks a clear warning ahead of time.