According to the dictionary, intuition is a thing that one knows or considers likely from instinctive feeling rather than conscious reasoning. Most of us accept that we all have some level of intuition, and those that listen to that intuitive voice without hesitation start to become aware of how much more there is of the universe and more specifically, how little we know.
Then there are moments when intuition is literally screaming in a booming, screeching, imploring way that makes it impossible to ignore. In a cartoon script, these types of moments are characterized by fireworks or light bulbs that suddenly turn on to illuminate the powerful moment. In real life, it feels like an invisible gut punch. Adrenaline courses quickly through your veins, your breathing becomes more rapid, and in fact, your pupils even become more dilated. Within a millisecond, your reasoning mind/self identifies the extraordinary moment as either good, bad, or harmless.
I had a moment like that on August 15, 2022, when I received a notification from Ancestry that stated “You have a message from Sierra Simons.” That gut punch happened immediately, the adrenaline flooded my veins, and my intuition belted out in the loudest, clearest voice ever, that this was it. This was that moment. The moment I had waited all my life for, even without knowing I was waiting for anything. I knew I had found my Mama’s family. I felt it. The only explanation is out of my comprehension, something metaphysical, mystical, spiritual, and profound. Every fiber of my being, every bit of my soul knew I had found my people. I could feel the completion of an invisible circle, and I felt peace. Then, I felt excitement. Jump to your feet kind of excitement. This was it. This was when I finally had both sides of the puzzle that had at times felt too daunting to contemplate.
I never remember being told I was adopted. It just seemed like I always knew. When I started asking questions about who my biological parents were, my adoptive mom told me several things about the circumstances of my birth. Some of the things that she said just didn’t make sense, like, my birth mother got pregnant at a New Year’s Eve party, but, I wasn’t born until the first week of November. Since there were so many obvious misstatements in what she told me, I really didn’t think any of it was true, just another made-up part of my adoptive mother’s delusions. One thing that she said was that my mother’s last name was Simons. That was one of the few things she told me that was actually true, but I had no idea of the validity of that fact until my niece, Sierra reached out to me through Ancestry. I knew when I saw the name that at least one of the things I had been told while growing up was true.
Sierra and I exchanged emails. We were not completely sure how we were related, but, it didn’t take us long to figure it out. I sent her a picture of me taken when I was a young woman. She sent me pictures too. The excitement was so overwhelming that it took me a little bit to understand who was who and how we were related. Then came the message from Sierra after looking at a picture I sent, “You look just like my Grandma Carolyn”. I have waited 60 years to read those words. I knew who gave birth to me, and I look a lot like her. I don’t have the words to describe what that feels like. I still cry when I realize that I now know who she was after all those years of wondering and yearning. I keep pictures of her on my phone and look at them every day.
To be expected, I was flabbergasted to the point of misfiring neurons in my brain while my heart was exploding with the love I could feel from Sierra through messaging. It wasn’t just her words, it was her unpretentious, unapologetic love for me. Instantly. That’s what kind of family I finally had. Family I would have picked, because they are the ones that are so connected as to be more than family. They are forever family. And, I was feeling this before I ever met them, because of my amazing niece. And, this was just the start of something that feels like I’m walking on sunshine and don’t it feel good?
More pictures were sent back and forth and while Sierra was emailing me, she was furiously messaging her dad, Rusty. She sent me pictures of my sister, Ronda, and her family. With each new picture or piece of information, I could almost feel my soul resting in a way I never knew was possible. I had found my soulmates at last. I know that sounds like a weird way to describe the discovery of my birth mother’s family, but, this is different than most situations. When I finally got to speak to my sister, Ronda, for the first time, she told me that unconsciously, she always knew I was out in the universe. And, somehow, I always knew she was out there as well. There’s an invisible thread of energy that connects the two of us forever. Forever.
You know, once the first conversations were had, and after a barrage of emails and messaging, there was nothing left to be done but to go meet my loved ones for the first time. For the first time in my life, I would have family surrounding me, and believe me, it was a magical balm to every tear I had ever cried or hurt my heart had ever felt. Sierra and I planned the trip and tried to make it a secret; something just between us. As it turned out, the only one I was able to halfway surprise was my sister, Ronda. Only halfway because she knew in her soul that our long-awaited introduction was imminent. She said she could feel it. So strongly, that she brought stuff with her to give to me, just in case, I happened to be there. Haha. That makes me laugh, but, also makes me know how strongly this kinetic bond seems to be between all of us.
I flew into Detroit and was nervous about our first time meeting. Where would we meet? Would they recognize me? Would they think I was weird? Self-doubt is always in my mind, but, walking the concourse of the airport, all the what-ifs were foremost in my thoughts. My nieces, Sierra and Sheila were meeting me by baggage claim and I took a deep breath as I rounded the last corner. What I instantly heard clearly was: “Welcome to the family, Aunt Summer!” As most of you know I’m a short girl, so it took me another few seconds to see my two beautiful nieces standing with a sign that read the same thing they had just shouted. And then it was just like we had known one another forever. It felt like I could almost remember when they were born, and what they were like growing up. In that very first hug, those two young women forever became, “my girls”. In my heart, they are the daughters I never had. And, the strangest thing, is that all of those emotions flashed through my head, heart, and soul in the instant I received my first hugs from them. How is that even possible?
The two-hour drive to my brother’s house was filled with non-stop talking, laughter, and love. I was as comfortable as I’d been with anyone, and again, I knew in my gut, they were my clan. The drive was over in what seemed like minutes and then we were at Rusty and Debbie’s house waiting for them to bring my sister, Ronda, and her husband Ed, back from dinner in town. I’ll never forget standing in their living room, waiting to surprise Ronda for her birthday. When the actual moment came, it was as if time froze for just a second or two. When we hugged for the first time, it was like a homecoming for my soul. In that instant, my sister and I were finally given the gift of each other. We have needed each other, yearned for each other, and imagined each other, but to be in the arms of my little sister was a feeling that is only rivaled by the birth of my son.
But, there was more. I turned to see my brother, Rusty for the first time in our lives, and a lightning bolt connection tells me that I’m looking at myself in a masculine form. Not just in looks, but, in our matching auras, our identically colored eyes.
I’m going to be honest here: I don’t remember a lot about that first night of meeting my family. When I look back, all I can really remember is feeling like I was in a tunnel of bright, beautiful clouds and they enveloped me. They literally healed the wounds of that unwanted little girl. In one night. Hell, it was probably in the first second. I will never feel alone again. I’m whole. Truly whole. I have a family and they are a family I would have chosen. I have a beautiful, gracious, and intuitive sister-in-law, Debbie who is the matriarch and nurturer of all of us. (I’m including myself now, ’cause, I’m one of them! LOL)
My nieces, Sierra and Sheila are intelligent, strong women who are loving wives, and outstanding mothers. I have a gaggle of great nieces and nephews, and two husbands for my girls, who now call me Aunt Summer. And, I belong to them! I’m blessed so much more than I deserve!
I was only able to spend a few days getting to know this great big, beautiful family of mine, but since then, the relationships have simply deepened as we learn who we all are. Rusty and Debbie visited me a couple of months ago and it was precious, deep, and meaningful, but also a hell of a lot of fun and laughter. Being with my brother feels like the most natural thing in the world and it’s sometimes impossible to even remember life without my Rusty. I am 13 months older than him, but, in so many ways I feel like we are twins separated at birth. We think alike, and we believe in so many of the same things, it’s uncanny, but marvelous, if that makes sense. It’s almost watching a magic show, or something beyond extraordinary.
On April 9th of this year, Ronda’s, daughter, Amy gave birth to our beautiful Waylon Edward. I only had the chance to meet Amy briefly, but, she has sent me pictures and postcards that give me perspective into how much she reminds me of me at her age. She’s a rebel, but, a good soul. I know that about her. She is also mother to Rylee, who is my sister’s only granddaughter. That little girl is the apple of my sister’s eye and I enjoy getting to be a “surrogate” grammy to that sweet, little girl.
Throughout this wonderful journey to meet my family, I have made sure to resist the urge to feel cheated for all the years that we lost. We all realize that we probably don’t have another 60 years to get to know one another, but we feel so blessed to finally be together now.
Sierra told me that there was always a missing piece in the family, even though no one knew I existed, and that missing piece was me. I’m no longer missing.
I’m loved. I’m wanted.
I’m grateful beyond words.
How wonderful is love? It is everything.